Dear No One

Hello. We may not have met each other yet or maybe we have. It might be on a train, a bus, in school, or in a park. You might see me yawning or staring blankly in space, or we might bump into each other and spill our favorite cups of tea (or coffee). Or it could be on a rainy day with you asking to share an umbrella cause you’re too lazy to bring your own. Or any normal day we both won’t expect.

No matter what the circumstances of our meeting will be, I just want you to know that it would be important but what’s more important are the memories we’ll both share after that.

I’ll cherish you and be proud of you. Whatever it is that you may choose to do, know that I’ll always support you. I will welcome arguments from you as long as we both learn from them. We may have a hundred reason to fight, but one reason is enough to keep us together and that reason is the genuine feeling that we share.

I want everyone to know just how much you mean to me. And let them see how much you have helped me change into the person that I am on that day. I want you to read my works because most likely they’ll be about you, mostly anything I will love noticing about you. It will be as simple as how you laugh, how you close your eyes when you tell me a story you’re passionate about, or just how your eyes shine. I want you to read them. Because as much as I can, I’ll tell you everything you need to know but there are just some things that I can’t muster to tell you personally and the only way I can ever let you know is by writing. Don’t ever take that against you though, it’s not like I can’t tell you cause I’m scared. It’s just that I can’t.

I want to share every waking hour of my life in the idea that I have someone I can be completely honest with. Someone who will see all my crazy and be fine with it. I want to take adventures with you and let the world see how together, we can be able to conquer anything. I would sail the seas with you, climb a mountain with you. I would sing you a love song and dance with you anywhere. We’ll reach for the sky or drop from it as long as we’re together. I want to be able to love you in the best way I know and be able to make you feel just how lucky we’d both be if we allowed ourselves to fall. I want to love you, only if you let me to.

In the beginning you might hear me say I’m scared. And knowing me, I’m probably extremely scared. But please don’t think that that’s because of you too. I want you to know that for you, no matter how scary, no matter how larger than life everything may be, I’ll be brave. Brave enough to be brave with you. Because deep inside I hope that what we have together will be enough to weather every storm.

I want to be able to smile at the thought of you. And revel in the feeling and knowledge that somehow your beautiful personality loves a person like me too. I want you to know that you don’t have to put up with all my crap. You can always tell me that something is wrong in my behavior. I would truly appreciate that. I want someone to be able to tell me things that I refuse to see myself and I want that someone to be you. I will never change for you though if you expect me to do so, I am telling you now; I won’t change just because you told me to. I would change if I know it’s for the better and I would give you the same right and freedom to be who you want to be. I want us to have that level of respect towards each other, a sense of respect we share with our friends and family too.

And I want you to know that while you find your way to me, I will be the best version of myself. I will aspire for my dreams and live my life to the fullest. Such that by the time we truly meet, you and I will fall in love to complete versions of ourselves.

By then, we won’t have to complete each other because we’re better than that. We’ll complement each other so well it will be unbelievable.

Lastly I want you to know that I don’t want us to live in a fairy tale. I want you to know that I know you’re not perfect. But neither am I. We’re both human and we both have flaws. And I also know that we’ll never look past those flaws. I will never tolerate anything because I don’t want to loose you. I will allow us both to grow in any way necessary, even if it has to be one of us letting go. I would put up a fight with you, break up with you if necessary because I want to grow with you and build a trust in you that I’ll know, no matter how many times we part our ways, our love will keep us coming back.

Until then, you live your life without me. Enjoy the journey and take all the time you need. I won’t be waiting because I know someday you’ll come and I won’t even have to ask why. 🙂

Untitled: Entry #5

Every single time that I have an exam and I’m not confident about it, you show up and send a smile my way. I know, those smiles weren’t for me, but a smile is a smile and who can’t resist a smile like yours? Jk. I just want to thank you because you may not know it, but you’ve helped me greatly in both times that you, out of nowhere and quite unexpectedly lit up my gloomy exam day.

I did well the first time I saw you and I did feel like I have done great from yesterday’s exam. And I thank you for that. ♥

Thank you for the inspiration and I hope you also find someone who inspires you as much as you inspire me.

Admiring you from a distance,

Rox 🙂

Untitled: Entry #4

Before the week ends and before I go back to studying, I just have to get this out of my head. This week has been a roller coaster ride of feelings. A lot of confusion and a whole lot of drama. It was no longer healthy for anyone. For me, it was about time to finally close a door I’ve left open for so long that mosquitoes have invaded the house and have feast on me. I felt sick.

We both tried to understand what was going on. We both failed I guess to understand what’s going on inside each other’s minds. And that’s okay.

Everything will be okay.

Maybe not today.

Not tomorrow.

But someday.

It will.

Untitled: Entry #3

I will keep this short.

I don’t know what I’m not ready for. Is it the ghost of old memories haunting me as I move forward, or the idea of making new ones and eventually leaving them behind as well? Is it the pain of the past, or the uncertainty of the future? Is it because of the walls built around oneself that we are afraid to cross or the knife we use to peel ourselves to reveal a little bit more?

Ha!

I don’t know.

Untitled: Entry #2

Friday 30th October 2015
11:56 pm

It was on a jeepney ride on my way home. I was sitting on the passenger seat. We were passing by the long and deadly road of Commonwealth Avenue, and I could guess we were far from the 60 kph limit when two vehicles made their way near the jeepney. So near we had to change gears to avoid collision. All the while, one of the vehicles was honking its horns.  We were able to get away safely, no harm done on the jeepney and its passengers. A few meters ahead was the Fairview bottleneck along Doña Carmen. It was almost midnight and the traffic still went on for hundreds of meters. To be honest it has been quite a menace. How long has it been going, that the road works there is still unfinished? Every few meters, the road with normally 4 lanes will narrow down to a single passable lane due to the heavy machinery parked on the road. Cars go bumper to bumper and the long line of cars goes on. Our designated driver was trying his best to get us out of the traffic as fast as he could when to our surprise, a vehicle rolled down its window and honked its horn on us. The driver of the black Honda City; plate number ZDX 150 engaged in a conversation with our driver and cursed him for “his driving” and he wasn’t contented with what he did, he reached for his gun and pointed it in our direction. Apparently, he was driving one of the cars who tried to cut into our lane.

The nerve of that man. He was completely out of line. First and foremost he was the one who was cutting into our lane. If anyone owed anyone an apology, that would be him. Second, he SHOULD NOT in any case flaunt that he is armed, ESPECIALLY IF HE’LL USE IT TO SCARE PEOPLE. He is a perfect example of people abusing authority and power. And one of the very reason why our country is stuck in the low. Who in the right.mind would do that? Especially when they know that they are the one at fault? Only people who thinks so highly of themselves.  And lastly, it pains to witness that man further cause a traffic jam. He’s so full of himself that he never knew when to give way for others. But what can unarmed people like all of us in the jeepney do when someone puts a gun in our heads? What can our report to LTFRB do if it’s the people in “power” that we are reporting to them? Do you know how many steps it requires to even file that complaint? And then, that person might just need a second and a handful of cash to settle everything.

We may have had campaigns to set things straight, to call for help, but sometimes that is not enough. Just look at the Lumads, they’ve made their voices heard, but what has happened. It pains to know that even after all the effort they’ve put into going to Manila from their lands in Mindanao, progress in their fight is still slim. It’s such a shame that not a single person from the administration has been with the Lumads. And that the media is not doing much to emphasize this lack of action from the administration. We focus so much on the dirty aspect of politics and the election that we forget to look deeper in the problems that our fellow Filipinos experience on a daily basis.

These are unfair realities that I hope our future leaders try to deal with. And I can only hope that these are things that they put on their platforms and do something about.

Untitled: Entry #1

It’s sometimes astonishing how many interpretations there are to a single phrase you write. You may not realize them but some other person will see it and think that you mean it the way they do. But then you don’t. You mean what you mean, when you say what you say. And when another person tells you that your statement turned out “like this” just listen to what they have to say. You don’t need to agree with them. Most especially if you think they’re wrong, because no one else knows what you think and feel other than yourself. Or at least no one else knows yourself better.

I’ve constantly noticed that sometimes I write stuff and realize that there are a few other meanings between the lines of a simple “I didn’t,” or an “I do.” And sometimes I mean both. And I do worry that people might misinterpret, but that’s what all of us are so great at; reading between the lines but getting the wrong message. And I don’t blame anyone for that. But why can’t we let everyone to be as vague and blunt as they want to be and not judge them? More so, why can’t we not impose to these people our ideals? I don’t know where I’m going with this, but it’s a little tiring to know that people get judged by expressing themselves. That people strive for justice, fairness, equality and the likes but fail to give others these things. And by writing this, I am now asking myself am I imposing my ideas on another person? Am I judging the people judging other people? Am I a living contradiction of my own statement? Or am I just a really confused person?

I don’t really need answers, I guess. But I’m just trying to say what I want to say.