Untitled: Entry #9

What happens when two guarded people try to break each other’s walls.

Confusion.

Misunderstanding.

A fight here and there.

They try again.

They’ll fail.

But they’ll try over and over.

Because it’s worth it.

The chance is so worth it, failing once, twice, or a million times isn’t going to be an obstacle.

Sure, they’ll get hurt.

They’ll doubt if this is worth the time.

Worth the pain.

Is it worth the struggle to let your guards down?

Is it worth the fall?

Is it worth the destruction of the wall you’ve both tried so hard to built around yourselves after being hurt?

—–

YES.

But you don’t need to break each other’s walls or put your guards down.

You just have to let each other in.

Dear No One

Hello. We may not have met each other yet or maybe we have. It might be on a train, a bus, in school, or in a park. You might see me yawning or staring blankly in space, or we might bump into each other and spill our favorite cups of tea (or coffee). Or it could be on a rainy day with you asking to share an umbrella cause you’re too lazy to bring your own. Or any normal day we both won’t expect.

No matter what the circumstances of our meeting will be, I just want you to know that it would be important but what’s more important are the memories we’ll both share after that.

I’ll cherish you and be proud of you. Whatever it is that you may choose to do, know that I’ll always support you. I will welcome arguments from you as long as we both learn from them. We may have a hundred reason to fight, but one reason is enough to keep us together and that reason is the genuine feeling that we share.

I want everyone to know just how much you mean to me. And let them see how much you have helped me change into the person that I am on that day. I want you to read my works because most likely they’ll be about you, mostly anything I will love noticing about you. It will be as simple as how you laugh, how you close your eyes when you tell me a story you’re passionate about, or just how your eyes shine. I want you to read them. Because as much as I can, I’ll tell you everything you need to know but there are just some things that I can’t muster to tell you personally and the only way I can ever let you know is by writing. Don’t ever take that against you though, it’s not like I can’t tell you cause I’m scared. It’s just that I can’t.

I want to share every waking hour of my life in the idea that I have someone I can be completely honest with. Someone who will see all my crazy and be fine with it. I want to take adventures with you and let the world see how together, we can be able to conquer anything. I would sail the seas with you, climb a mountain with you. I would sing you a love song and dance with you anywhere. We’ll reach for the sky or drop from it as long as we’re together. I want to be able to love you in the best way I know and be able to make you feel just how lucky we’d both be if we allowed ourselves to fall. I want to love you, only if you let me to.

In the beginning you might hear me say I’m scared. And knowing me, I’m probably extremely scared. But please don’t think that that’s because of you too. I want you to know that for you, no matter how scary, no matter how larger than life everything may be, I’ll be brave. Brave enough to be brave with you. Because deep inside I hope that what we have together will be enough to weather every storm.

I want to be able to smile at the thought of you. And revel in the feeling and knowledge that somehow your beautiful personality loves a person like me too. I want you to know that you don’t have to put up with all my crap. You can always tell me that something is wrong in my behavior. I would truly appreciate that. I want someone to be able to tell me things that I refuse to see myself and I want that someone to be you. I will never change for you though if you expect me to do so, I am telling you now; I won’t change just because you told me to. I would change if I know it’s for the better and I would give you the same right and freedom to be who you want to be. I want us to have that level of respect towards each other, a sense of respect we share with our friends and family too.

And I want you to know that while you find your way to me, I will be the best version of myself. I will aspire for my dreams and live my life to the fullest. Such that by the time we truly meet, you and I will fall in love to complete versions of ourselves.

By then, we won’t have to complete each other because we’re better than that. We’ll complement each other so well it will be unbelievable.

Lastly I want you to know that I don’t want us to live in a fairy tale. I want you to know that I know you’re not perfect. But neither am I. We’re both human and we both have flaws. And I also know that we’ll never look past those flaws. I will never tolerate anything because I don’t want to loose you. I will allow us both to grow in any way necessary, even if it has to be one of us letting go. I would put up a fight with you, break up with you if necessary because I want to grow with you and build a trust in you that I’ll know, no matter how many times we part our ways, our love will keep us coming back.

Until then, you live your life without me. Enjoy the journey and take all the time you need. I won’t be waiting because I know someday you’ll come and I won’t even have to ask why. 🙂

Unwritten

They say it helps you if you write about what you feel. I know I’ve wrote you a couple of letters. A number of messages I never really sent. Some unpublished posts I’ll never really share to the world. I’ve sent a hundred or so tweets that may have had a connection with you. I’ve saved a hundred more quotes that pertain to what I feel towards you. But after all those things, I still have a lot in mind. And still a lot of love in my heart. I still can’t understand where exactly they all come from. Cause after all this time, I should have been tired. I should have used up all my energy, I should have gotten the best of me that you so failed to see. I should have been on the wrong end of the line, hating you, cussing over the things that went wrong. (Well at least that is what most people think I might be doing.) But hey! I’m still here. Looking at the unsent messages. Re-reading all those tweets. I’m still smiling over my drafts, and the photo of a letter sent via snail mail. I laugh over the quotes that say exactly what I feel. And yet, there’s still so much unsaid.

It takes ten times longer for a person like me to admit that they’re in love. It takes ten times more than that for us to fall out of it. And I don’t blame anyone for that. That’s just me. But then, you hate it when I say that don’t you? Well, that’s on you. So much is still unwritten.

——-nothing follows——-

I Couldn’t Care Less

You know what they say about our minds wandering about when we take showers? It’s true for almost everyone, myself included. We take showers everyday, it has become a routine that our mind goes off into thinking other things freely. (And quite clearly if I may say.)

Just recently, my time in the shower made this article possible: Heart on a String, I was washing my hair then, they’re brown at that time. It reminded me of a rope. I had my heart broken then, so broken I can feel it bleeding (not that my heart isn’t always bleeding, after all, it’s supposed to pump out blood). I felt like the water running down my hair was the oceans and seas, trying to wash away my pain. And my hair which I had colored quite untimely, that time was the string holding out my wounded heart in a sea of emotions. Then I thought, my heart was the bait. Oh yes, it was the bait, for all the fish in the sea. But I also thought, no, I don’t want another fish to catch that bait. I have to pull the string and save myself.

They say it’s the place and time where the toughest decisions in our lives are made. It’s true for some and I guess for me as well. That day I decided to pull the string and keep my healing heart at bay. Tonight, as I was exhausted from the heat of the day and the troubles earlier in the night, I took a bath. And I realized, that the problem I have with these emotions for someone—who for all we know (and all we don’t) doesn’t even bother about me as much as I bother about him, is nothing. Nothing compared to the problems I have faced, I am facing and will be facing in the future. I realized that I couldn’t really care less anymore.

I couldn’t care less in both its possible meaning. That I have cared so much, just so much to care less is beyond me. And that I, after caring so much have burned everything in my expense, I just couldn’t care anymore.

I’m giving myself a break.

——-nothing follows——-

Heart On a String

“There are many fish in the sea,” they say. All you have to do is throw your heart in the open and wait patiently for the right fish to catch your bait. But in a sea of uncertainty where you’re throwing your heart, sharks and piranhas are present too. Fish that will get attracted to your bleeding heart at the end of the string. Those who have no intention of keeping all you had to offer, and only plan to devour you.

So go pull on that string and save your heart before it’s taken away from you. – Roxanne Mabunga

Illustrations by Ronn Mabunga.

Thank you so much brother for the work of art. ❤

Wala kang talent fee tho. 🙂

I’m Right Here.

“I’m right here, okay?”

It’s quite a simple phrase. Its not entirely a question, more like a statement. It’s so simple we sometimes forget what it truly means.

How often do we get someone to say this statement to us? Once, twice a week? I bet not. I bet we only hear this once every blue moon. And to hear it is pure bliss. And to say these words, a person can mean two things.

For one, it means what it says. “I’m right here.” It’s an assurance that no matter what happens, you will be there for the other person. An assurance that he’s never alone. Whether you’re miles apart or just a few inches away, it pays to know that you have someone you can turn and run to, in times of trouble, and need. It’s nice to know that someone is willing to hear you out when the world doesn’t pay attention to the silent screams of your heart.

On one hand, “I’m right here,” can be a tiny wish, a silent prayer for the person receiving it to need the one on the giving end. Yes, we all sometimes need someone to need us. We sometimes want someone we need in our life to make us feel that they need us as well. Because as much as we want them to feel that we’re always by their side, we also want to feel that they actually need us beside them.

So, the next time you hear someone say that they’re right beside you, through the good times and the bad, make sure you make them feel how much you appreciate them and the effort they put in making you feel loved and cared for. ❤

I’m right here for you. Just saying. 🙂

I'm right here.

PS.

I’m right here. I’m willing to listen. Willing to share your pain. I’m just a message/text away. Love you guys! ❤

*hugs from miles away!*

PPS. Engg Week naaaaaa! 🙂

Tell Me I’m Wrong

As I was going through my readings for a class this semester, I stumbled upon the fact that Spain, despite its unquestionable control over the Philippines and its trade for most parts of the 18th century, was actually powerless and was out shadowed by British and English mercantiles. Spain faced that problem because she refused to correct what she has been doing wrong. She refused even though the problem presented itself to her and despite the existence of individuals who were more than willing to point out that problem and the possible solutions.

Had Spain listened or had there been more people who were willing to right what is wrong, would Spain flourish against the Brits and Americans?

In a similar fashion, since its the season of Love and all that jazz, the article made me think that aside from being a person who will support you, your significant other should (and I mean they SHOULD) be someone who will tell you that you are wrong.

image

I believe it’s not enough to have someone that will say yes to everything you have to say. What if your opinion and actions were destructive? Isn’t it nice to have your partner stop you? I think it would be, at least he’s letting you grow while preventing possible damage made by you.

In a relationship, it may be important to support one another in the decisions that each person makes. But, a wrong deed is still wrong even if a hundred people do it. What more if it’s just the two of you saying that it’s right?

We all need that person who will tell us that they love us. That someone who will make us feel loved, understood, and appreciated. We all need someone who would support the right decisions we make and oppose the crazy and selfish ones we commit. We need that person who will fight for us when we’re put down, but will never start trouble on our behalf. We need someone who will listen to us, and everyone involved but most importantly will listen to the just voice that rules this earth. We need that someone who will tell us we’re wrong when our minds all screwed up and we think that we’re always right.

Tell each other you’re wrong if you are. You don’t always have to take the other person’s side to please them. Love also works with understanding and maturity.

Love is fair. We should stand by that definition. Love is blind, but we don’t have to be blinded by it. Just look at Spain, she loved the Philippines so much (and the treasures it gave her) look at what happened because she was blinded by this love, she ended up losing everything. 


What did I just say?