You should never try to surprise me, or approach me so suddenly. It will always turn out bad. Either I would have nothing else to say but one-liners such as “yeah“, “ok lang” etc. Or I would not say anything at all and just nod or shake my head in response.
Or maybe because it was you who asked me; finally talking to me, starting a conversation I did not try to embark… But surprise, surprise, I was speechless. I couldn’t say much. It’s just too much. The awkwardness in your tone, the suddenness of your voice, and the sadness in your eyes. It’s way too much for me to handle all in one go. I wanted to talk to you. I do, but then I did not. Cause I did not know what to say. If, before I have always been the one person who tries to save a dying conversation… For once, I was the one who killed the fire you started…
I’m sorry. I am just waiting for everything to be back to the way they were before. I was not, and I never was waiting for things to be reciprocated. I am just waiting for my friend to come back… For you to be back. Because you might be there physically, but you’re not the same person I used to know…
And I do regret not keeping the conversation, because when you turned your back on me again, I was caught even more off guard. I never thought I could be caught off guard by the same act over and over. It’s as if i never ends.
I really miss you. And right now, I am starting to feel that I should have never said what I did. The ”what ifs” are haunting me like a nightmare. What if I was not honest? What if I just told you a lie? What if I just kept my mouth shut? What if I just kept you guessing? Will things be how they were? Would I be happy? Would you be as happy? 😦
Gabriella Montez once said:
“But you better step away from the mirror long enough to check the damage that will always be right behind you. “
Maybe I’m too close to the mirror that
everything I have damaged is right behind me. My pride, my ego, our friendship… Maybe I just need to step a little further away from the mirror, which in this case is you… But won’t distance just make things worse? Or maybe I just need to let it go… But friendships aren’t something I’m fond of giving up on… And as soon as I do that, I will never find peace, because one can forgive but it’s just too hard to forget.
Especially when the memories you are trying to forget are happy ones…